shame

I knew I was gay

I Knew I Was Gay When I Was Five Years Old

For as long as I can remember I’ve always known, but for the longest time it wasn’t a feeling of pride. It was a combination of fear, guilt, shame, unrequited desire, silence, isolation, and otherness.

I was five or six years old when I went to a girl’s house to play. I don’t remember if she was from school or one of the kids in the neighbourhood. From my little boy’s eyes her house seemed like a mansion. The basement was so large I felt overwhelmed by the number of closed doors I could see. We went into a playroom filled with toys. I remember wanting to play with the dollhouse more than anything. Something about that moment made me self-conscious.Read More »I Knew I Was Gay When I Was Five Years Old

Kevin Spacey, #MeToo, And The Problem Of Gay Shame

“As those closest to me know, in my life I have had relationships with both men and women. I have loved and had romantic encounters with men throughout my life, and I choose now to live as a gay man. I want to deal with this honestly and openly and that starts with examining my own behaviour.”

The above is Kevin Spacey’s response to Anthony Rapp’s accusation of unwanted sexual advances by Spacey when he was 14-years old.

The challenging aspect of this article, for me, is to create an empathetic discussion about the potential “origins” of Spacey’s behaviour.

What I ask of you is to read through with an open mind. I am not condoning Spacey’s behaviour whatsoever.

When this news first broke I had hoped it would be a single incident. Unfortunately it wasn’t. Spacey clearly made unwanted sexual advances on men, underage men, and women; allegations which span decades.

The Upset Over His Coming Out

It’s good Spacey finally came out publicly. It’s good that he admitted wrongdoing.

But what I find extremely problematic and complicated is how people have reacted to his explanation and reason for finally coming out.Read More »Kevin Spacey, #MeToo, And The Problem Of Gay Shame

Why I’m Not Good Enough - My Dirty Gay Secret

Why I’m Not Good Enough: My Dirty Gay Secret

There’s a lot of gay shame that runs as an undercurrent in my life.

This morning I watched a video by coach Dax Moy. He was talking about the difference between guilt and shame.

  • Guilt is how you feel about what you did or didn’t do.
  • Shame is how you feel about who you are or who you are not.

A light clicked on, illuminating something that’s been a challenge for me all my life.

I have shame around becoming successful.

What? But the success I envision for myself hasn’t happened yet.

Read More »Why I’m Not Good Enough: My Dirty Gay Secret