Living OUT Membership

What Does “Living OUT the Best of Me” Feel Like?

As a gay man, what would it mean to live out the best of you?

For me it’s about understanding if I’ve left the best parts of me in the closet, and which of those parts I want to bring out and enjoy living.

Let me give you an example from my own life.

When I was a teenager growing up in the early 80s, I loved watching figure skating, gymnastics, and contemporary dance. I never got to practice any of those athletic activities, but I watched — in silence and in secret.Read More »What Does “Living OUT the Best of Me” Feel Like?

freedom of choice vs discrimination

The Problem of Freedom of Choice vs Discrimination

Over the last few days I’ve been monitoring responses to one of my articles on Medium, Not Having to Bake Cakes for LGBTQ People Is an Insult to Humanity.

I responded to the most lengthy comment  by writing a post instead of a direct response. I’ve been publishing articles on Th-Ink Queerly since November 2017. I’m surprised it’s taken this long to get my first “hater.”

James Finn waded into the fray, dressed in linguistic battle fatigues. I admire him for his wisdom and eloquence. He said his piece. He tried. But sometimes in these situations it’s like we’re bashing our heads against the wall with no end in sight for the blood in our eyes.

It was my turn to put my foot down, but not with name calling. It’s easy to do. I’ve done it. I hate when I lose control and bitch out someone. There is no reasoning in shouting.Read More »The Problem of Freedom of Choice vs Discrimination

The Freedom of Accepting Who You Are Right Now

“When you drop the struggle with shame and accept life as it is without judgment, you find great freedom on the other side. It is freedom to be who you are, exactly as you are. The only real meaning in life is found in being who you are right now, without apologies.”

~ The Velvet Rage. Allan Downs

This quotation makes me proud to be an out, highly functioning gay man. 🙂

This quotation also reminds me of why it’s so important for me to proclaim my queer identity, and to be the change I want to see in the world.

Th-Ink Queerly is a double entendre times two.Read More »The Freedom of Accepting Who You Are Right Now

Shoving My Queer Agenda in Your Face — Take It!

For as long as I can remember it’s always been a man and a woman.

For as long as I can remember it’s always been about god.

For as long as I can remember it’s always been about fitting in.

I have never had sex with a woman.

I never want to. I have known I was gay since I was five years old, but I didn’t know the words.

I don’t believe in god.

The only thing that might come close is having faith in my potential.Read More »Shoving My Queer Agenda in Your Face — Take It!


What Are We Striving For — As Individuals and as a Human Collective?

Some time ago I watched the third season of Netflix’s Chef’s Table. One of the featured chefs, Jeong Kwan, is a Buddhist monk who lives in Korea and is world-renowned for her vegetarian cooking.

Everything she does is a mediation of sorts. Her day is a cycle of meditation and prayer, planting and harvesting, long-term food preparation (like preparing kimchi which needs time to ferment), and daily meal preparation for her fellow monks.

“Creativity and ego cannot go together.” — Jeong Kwan

In the Western world we are constantly striving

We are building things.

We are creating things.

We are solving the problems that we have created for ourselves.Read More »What Are We Striving For — As Individuals and as a Human Collective?

To Be Happy and Fulfilled As Gay Men We Need To Break Out Of The Box

When Did You Come Out?

If you’re over 40 you might have come out at a time when you had to fit in as the “acceptable” gay. So you came out, but you still had to fit in!

As gay men we have lived lives of not always speaking our truth, of withholding who we are from others, and subsequently feeling shame for doing so. But when you unbox your hidden, suppressed truths, you give them life, and yourself freedom.

This is where change begins, with awareness of our closeted truths, of held back secret dreams and desires.

You can be out, but not expressing your complete identity. You’re out, but you’ve boxed yourself in to conform to social norms.

You may have lovely things like a house, a partner, a quality car, and fashionable clothes and accessories.

You may enjoy the finer things in life like the freedom to travel, to eat out at nice restaurants, to contribute or volunteer for charitable causes.

You might even have adopted the perfectly straight lifestyle and got married.Read More »To Be Happy and Fulfilled As Gay Men We Need To Break Out Of The Box

Kevin Spacey, #MeToo, And The Problem Of Gay Shame

“As those closest to me know, in my life I have had relationships with both men and women. I have loved and had romantic encounters with men throughout my life, and I choose now to live as a gay man. I want to deal with this honestly and openly and that starts with examining my own behaviour.”

The above is Kevin Spacey’s response to Anthony Rapp’s accusation of unwanted sexual advances by Spacey when he was 14-years old.

The challenging aspect of this article, for me, is to create an empathetic discussion about the potential “origins” of Spacey’s behaviour.

What I ask of you is to read through with an open mind. I am not condoning Spacey’s behaviour whatsoever.

When this news first broke I had hoped it would be a single incident. Unfortunately it wasn’t. Spacey clearly made unwanted sexual advances on men, underage men, and women; allegations which span decades.

The Upset Over His Coming Out

It’s good Spacey finally came out publicly. It’s good that he admitted wrongdoing.

But what I find extremely problematic and complicated is how people have reacted to his explanation and reason for finally coming out.Read More »Kevin Spacey, #MeToo, And The Problem Of Gay Shame


The 10 Commandments for Being a Respectable Gay Man


The 10 Commandments of heteronormativity for gay men who want to fit in, fall in line, and be respectable.

1. “Thou shalt judge other gays.”

The way to fit in and never be suspected of being gay is to make fun of people who are clearly gay. Flamboyant much? Sound like a sissy fag? Perfect targets for humour and distain. Subvert the shame of your closet by making fun of someone else in an attempt to falsely make yourself feel better.

2. “Thou shalt hold your voice silent when others make homophobic comments.”

Don’t rock the boat. You wouldn’t want to be outed. Even if others don’t suspect you of being gay, just keep silent. The status quo loves it when you don’t support or stand up for the other.Read More »The 10 Commandments for Being a Respectable Gay Man